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Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Feb 4, 2013 11:30pm PST
to hispanics. first step, learning to speak his-spanish. [ laughter ] then, can president obama get the support of gun owners? yes, after a four-year waiting period. [ laughter ] and my guest, justice sonia sotomayor, is the first hispanic on the supreme court. i will ask her questions in hiss-spanish. [ laughter ] fidel castro made his first public appearance in three years. then he saw his shadow, so fifty more years of communism. [cheers and applause] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] welcome. thank you so much, everybody. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you have much. please, sit down, nation. [cheers and applause] welcome -- welcome to the broadcast presented tonight with limited commercial interruptions. good to have you with us. folks, i'm still coming down from last night's superbowl rager. i had the whole wrecking crew over and they brought it. and by it, i mean a lovely spinach dip bread bowl, courtesy of lou dawg. [ laughter ] woof woof! the dog is loos
Comedy Central
Feb 4, 2013 10:30am PST
. [ laughter ] but folks, the other threat to america is president obama's recent 23-point executive order gun-control grab-orama. [ laughter ] this is a full-on assault on our right to full-on assault. that's why it's more important than ever to remember the gun rights advocate battle cry. >> from my cold dead hands! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: fun fact: that was his audition for "when harry met sally." [ laughter ] yet they gave the part to meg ryan. tough being a conservative in hollywood. [ laughter ] but this tyranny will not stand, man. true defenders of the constitution are fighting back. bills have been proposed in all these states that would "make it illegal to enforce any of the new federal gun control measures." that's right. that means if an agent of the federal government tries to take your high capacity magazine, just call 9-1-1 and say "police! come quick! someone's trying to enforce the law." [ laughter ] then they'll send in a swat team to shoot themselves. [ laughter ] because these states know that -- these states that aren't up here right now. you know which ones they
Comedy Central
Jan 31, 2013 7:00pm PST
with anything president obama said on that issue. >> stephen: yes, we conservatives all think gays should have equal rights, and we've been saying it since the beginning of this sentence! [ laughter ] clearly, the lgbt agenda is barreling forward at full speed. at this rate, i may even have to learn what the last letters of lgbt mean. [ laughter ] i wanna say-- bacon and tomato? [ laughter ] god knows what they're doing with them. [ laughter ] luckily, one brave soul is holding back this rising gay tide like a one-man dike. [ laughter ] i mean -- i mean -- i mean -- no, no, -- i mean, with hordes of gays coming, he's beating them off. no, no,. i mean -- i mean -- i mean, it brings us to tonight's word: it gets worse. [cheers and applause] folks, the supreme court is about to hear arguments about the constitutionality of "the defense of marriage act" or doma, which defines marriage as between one man and one woman. the act was signed into law in 1996 by bill clinton-- a man who understands being defensive about your marriage. [ laughter ] now, barack obama's justice department decided not to d
Comedy Central
Feb 5, 2013 11:30pm PST
] and in the obama economy of 2013, the wildest dream is any entry-level job. how does it work? >> each week, five exceptional candidates will come to new york city for the biggest interview of their lives for a chance to land a dream job at one of america's finest companies. >> stephen: you heard them-- a dream job, like an editorial assistant position with "cosmopolitan." [laughter] that's right, "the" an editorial assistant. [laughter] this pioneering form of desper-tainment is sure to be such a hit, other networks are sure to have spinoffs, like "meal or no meal," [laughter] "americans, idle," and "are you more employable than a fifth grader?" [laughter] so congratulations, cbs, for bravely turning america's unemployment problem into america's entertainment solution. and with one hire per show, "the job" should run for 12.3 million episodes. whraf laugh >> stephen: stephen, welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] nation, i play many roles in my family: i'm a father, i'm a husband, but most importantly, i'm a commut
Comedy Central
Feb 7, 2013 11:30pm PST
a winning candidate is the state senate. just two years before barack obama announced his presidential run, he was a lowly state senator. making state legislatures are the farm teams of american politics, which brings me to another installment of our sometimes-running series: "mr. smith goes to the state legislature, then later, possibly washington." [laughter] first up, tonight tennessee state senator and lost weasley brother, stacey campfield. [laughter] i first noticed campfield when he demonstrated his knowledge of immunology by declaring that aids was caused by one guy screwing a monkey, if i recall correctly, and then having sex with men. it was an airline pilot if i recall. [laughter] [cheers and applause] yes, and if i recall, it was shortly after that that airlines stopped serving free cocktails to monkeys in first class. pilots couldn't resist. [laughter] i've long-admired campfield's heroic work protecting our students' morals with his "don't say gay" bill-- which proposed banning teachers from discussing homosexuality in school. yes, if you don't talk about something, it goes a
Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)